Disagreeing Well
Opposing positions abound. Differences in politics, culture, religion, and ideology have drawn lines of distrust, and we sort people—family, neighbors, coworkers, even friends—by which side they fall on. But conflict isn't only about the big lines. We can differ sharply with a spouse or close relative over an ordinary decision: care for an aging parent, a child's schooling, a financial choice.
I recently found a useful framework for such moments in an unexpected place. In How to Read a Book,¹ Mortimer Adler and Charles Van Doren devote two chapters to disagreement, and their counsel aligns closely with the biblical principles we use at The Missing Peace.
A disagreement is an opportunity to find the best answer through conversation, listening, and careful thought.
Proverbs 15:22 (CSB) - Plans fail when there is no counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
When our goal is to win, we can lose what matters more—a relationship, or the wiser answer. When our goal is understanding and a God-honoring outcome, conflict opens three opportunities which author Ken Sande draws from 1 Corinthians 10:31–11:1:² to glorify God, serve others, and grow to be more like Christ.
What follows are practical ways to disagree that promote understanding, protect relationships, and hold out the hope of the gospel.
Aim at the goal: truth, peace, and love—not victory
When pride, control, or the need to be right takes over,³ truth, peace, and loving our neighbor take a back seat, and “winning” feels paramount.
James 4:1 (NIV) - What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?
Before you speak, ask:
“What would it look like to glorify God here?” (1 Cor 10:31)
“What would love require of me?” (Mark 12:29–31)
“Am I as prepared to agree as I am to disagree?”
Don't criticize what you don’t understand
If you can't put someone's position into your own words, you don't yet understand it—and you're in no place to criticize it. Try restating their view until they say, “Yes, that's exactly it.” That is loving your neighbor as yourself; only then are you ready to agree or disagree.
Proverbs 18:13 (CSB) - The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness and disgrace for him.
Name the emotions you bring to the table
When we feel strongly, we're tempted to vent feelings instead of offering reasons. Job was.
Job 7:11 (CSB) - Therefore I will not restrain my mouth. I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
Self-awareness keeps us from unleashing our emotions on the conversation. RW360's READ acrostic (“READ Yourself Accurately”) helps us recognize what's happening inside before we address what's happening in the other person:
R — Recognize what you're feeling, and name it.
E — Evaluate the source: what desire, fear, or expectation is driving it?
A — Anticipate the consequences if that emotion runs the conversation.
D — Direct it constructively: what would faith in Jesus look like right now?
(See Four Ways to Defeat Amygdala Hijacking.)
Disagree only to resolve
Adler and Van Doren call disagreement “futile agitation” unless it is undertaken in hope of resolution.⁴ Peacemaking moves toward wise solutions, not endless debate.
Titus 3:9 (CSB) - But avoid foolish debates, genealogies, quarrels, and disputes about the law, because they are unprofitable and worthless.
Keep it productive:
Define the issue: “What exactly are we disagreeing about?”
Define the goal: “What would a good outcome look like?”
Consider what the other person values (Phil 2:4).
Reason, don't just opine
If you can't locate your disagreement in one of these four categories,⁵ you may be clinging to mere opinion that can neither understand the other person nor persuade them:
I don’t think you are fully informed.
I think you may be misinformed.
I don’t think your logic is sound.
I don’t think your analysis is complete.
And if you can't name which—with specific reasons—the uninformed, illogical, or incomplete one may be you. Say it relationally:
“I think we're working from different information—can we compare sources?”
“Help me see how you got there; I may be missing something.”
“Can we walk through the logic step by step?”
Speak so agreement stays possible
When things heat up, choose words that build up.
Ephesians 4:29 (CSB) - No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.
A gentle answer turns away anger; a harsh word stirs it up (Proverbs 15:1). So:
Be firm on the issue without being sharp in tone.
Correct without contempt.
Ask questions that invite clarity instead of defensiveness.
The LEARN framework
A short path you can use in the moment:
Listen until you can restate their view fairly.
Explain your reasoning, not just your opinion.
Acknowledge the emotions and assumptions on both sides.
Remain ready to change your mind when the evidence warrants.
Nourish the conversation with words that build up, not tear down.
Closing thought
Good disagreement takes humility, patience, and courage—but it's worth it. Handled well, it does more than solve problems. It builds trust, strengthens relationships, and quietly testifies that we prize truth and love above being right.
¹ Mortimer J. Adler and Charles Van Doren, How to Read a Book: The Classic Guide to Intelligent Reading, rev. and updated ed. (New York: Touchstone, 1972).
² Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, 3rd ed. (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004), 29–38.
³ David Powlison, “Revisiting Idols of the Heart and Vanity Fair,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 27:3 (2013). https://www.ccef.org/jbc/
⁴ Adler and Van Doren, How to Read a Book, 146.
⁵ Ibid., 154.