What to Expect from a Missing Peace Intensive Marriage Mediation
A couple who has worked through a Missing-Peace Marriage Upcycle has done a lot to get to this point, and it may not be easy to visualize how much more can be done. The answer is “a lot.” We refer to everything you’ve done up to this point as “pre-mediation.” The purpose has been to prepare your heart, mind, and soul for the deep work of reconciliation.
As we prepare for your mediation, we will review everything we’ve learned from you for the time we’ve worked together. We want to understand “what is the to-do list for this marriage mediation.” We call this the “Issues List.” To help you understand an issues list and how it is put together, we’ll prepare a first pass from our notes and your homework. We’ll show you our best attempt at an issues list mid-morning on Day 1, and then the two of you will work together to ensure it captures the most important issues that you believe still need to be resolved. When you see the list, you’ll notice that every issue is worded as a question, for example, “What kind of schooling will we provide our children?” or “Was it appropriate for Jane to tell her coworkers about John seeking counseling for anxiety?” Notice that those two questions are very different kinds of questions. The first represents a material issue, and the second represents a personal issue. Hopefully, these terms are familiar to you. If necessary, review the description of the material and personal issues on page 80 of The Peacemaker.
The Flow of the Mediation
Every mediation is different, and we must be attentive to a pace that you are comfortable with and the working of the Holy Spirit. However, we always begin with the assumption that the mediation will follow the following flow, which we call the GOSPEL Agenda.
The Gospel Agenda
1. Greetings and Ground Rules – We begin here to ensure everyone is on the same page. By this time, we all know each other to some extent, so greetings will be brief. The ground rules will help to ensure the process is productive and everyone is respected. One of your first agreements of the mediation will be to agree on the set of ground rules. We’ll provide a starting point, but we welcome your input and won’t proceed until we agree.
2. Opening Statements – In the opening statements, we’ll ask you to express in one or two sentences what you hope to accomplish from this process. You should give this some thought and come prepared to share.
3. Storytelling – Everything that has brought you to this point is part of your story. We heard you tell an overview of your story the first time we all met together. Then we’ve heard more of your story as we’ve met individually. In this phase, we’ll review the important points of your story relative to each item on your issues list. Often, little may need to be said, but other times, the storytelling will go deep as you each seek first to understand your spouse and then to ensure you are not being misunderstood. Ensuring you understand your spouse’s concerns well will pay you great dividends in the reconciliation process.
4. Problem Identification – As you review your stories relative to the issues list and seek to understand your spouse, your understanding of the issues and the issues list itself usually evolves. Some new issues are added. Others fall away. Sometimes issues that seemed unrelated become merged or nested.
5. Explore solutions - We pay attention to the difference between material and personal issues because the two types of issues are resolved in entirely different ways. Material issues are typically resolved through negotiation or concession. Personal issues are resolved through repentance, confession, forgiveness, or, at times, overlooking. Sometimes, progress on personal issues can be difficult if a material issue remains unresolved. Sometimes, material issues become locked behind personal issues that must be addressed. One of our roles in the mediation is to help you navigate these challenges.
6. Lead to Agreement—Our goal is that every significant issue will either be resolved or the pathway to resolution will be understood. Throughout the process, we will make notes and present you with a summary at the end of the mediation that will reflect key scriptures, celebrate reconciliation, and clearly document any agreements.
The Schedule
Mediation days are long. We usually try to begin by 9 am and ask you to remain available until 6 pm on days one and two—usually Friday and Saturday. Day 3 is usually a Sunday, and we try to begin as soon as practical after church and lunch. We try to follow the Holy Spirit, but the weekend often flows something like this:
Day One, Morning: We’ll begin with a brief devotion and review the Ground Rules. Then, we’ll invite you to share your opening statements and review the draft of the issues list we have prepared. Sometimes, this exercise moves quickly, but it often requires discussion. A well-framed issues list can significantly impact the mediation's success, so we try not to rush this.
Day One, Afternoon – Sometimes, the framing of the issues carries into the afternoon. Still, we are usually now ready to decide on the most important, and often most difficult, issue and begin reviewing the storytelling related to that issue. It is not unusual for that first critical issue to consume the remainder of Day One. Expect your energy level to be pretty low by the end of Day One. You will have done hard work to get here. We hope that we can call that key issue resolved on Day One, having reviewed the story, identified and understood the problems, explored solutions, and reached an agreement. Often, that issue will carry over to Day Two. If it does, don’t let that discourage you.
Day Two – If we need to spend some time on Day Two finishing up the first issue, that’s OK. By this point, you’ll be getting the hang of the process, and most of the lesser issues will move more quickly—however, sometimes a lesser issue is more important than we initially thought. However, by the end of Day Two, we hope to have mostly worked through the most important issues. Sometimes, as some significant issues are resolved, lesser issues may fall away.
Day Three—Day three often requires cleaning up some odds and ends and ensuring any agreements are specific enough. By the end of Day Three, we’ll wrap up the summary of the weekend and hopefully celebrate the Lord’s work in reconciling your marriage. In addition, we’ll discuss the next steps. We may have recommendations for you to consider or other resources to recommend.
Coming Prepared (Important)
Much of the needed preparation is already complete. The purpose of the hard work you’ve done to this point has been to get you ready. Before the mediation, the main thing to do is think through what you want to say about what you hope to get out of the weekend in your Opening Statement.
Beyond that, just come ready to listen and share as effectively as possible.
What to Bring
The following items will be critical to getting the most out of this experience.
A way to take notes, for example, a pad of paper and something to write with.
A copy of the Bible in a version and format you are comfortable using. Some people prefer a printed Bible, while others prefer a phone or tablet app.
Your copy of The Peacemaker.
A copy of your homework from the weekly sessions, especially anything you worked on with the intent of sharing at the mediation.
An open heart.
Finally, and most importantly, be praying for our time together. Ask the Holy Spirit to work in you and in everyone else to guide us to glorify God in all we do and to pursue his will.